Armageddon's Eve (NEW)
by shaadiaThePrincessOfWeird
Summary: Better written but still the unserious, hilarious story you love. When Artemis comes face to face with 12 alter egos, each one worse than the last, it's just plain annoying that a revived Koboi should feel like taking over the world. But on the brink of humanity's likely extinction, witness what happens when absolute stupidity meets total genius. The very definition of LOL.
1. Chapter 1: The Depths of a Mind

**REWRITE ALERT!**

**As I mentioned in the last aAuthor's note on Armageddon's Eve, it will be rewritten and it will not lose anything you love about it. Example, the humiliating things Orion and the others do to Artemis. Still unserious and stupidity mixed with hilarity. Prepare to laugh just like before, and if you're reading it for the first time, you get an introductory milk toffee!**

**\- signed, S. (the Princess of Weird and HoofGirl)**

* * *

"Oh my gosh," breathed Foaly. "It's impossible! It's not real! It's totally fake! We're seeing things! It's not possible! This can't be real! This has to be fake! We're seeing—"

Holly punched him in the arm. "It's possible, it's real and you'd better use your mouth less than your brain."

The centaur gulped. She had been in a considerably bad mood during the past couple of weeks, although it looked like she was getting better now. It was still too early to take any risks, though. He didn't want a black patch somewhere painful. "Yes, ma'am."

There was a rap on the cockpit door. Without a moment's hesitation, Holly slid it open and immediately gave the Mud Boy on the other end an almost uncharacteristic hug.

Taurus blinked. "Uh...um...why am I uttering unintelligible syllables?"

Holly let go and folded her arms, grinning. "You were right about those coordinates, Mud Boy. This is where Koboi has the weapon stored."

Foaly smirked. "_Unintelligible syllables,_ Artemis? I guess even your genius alter can't supress some hormones."

Taurus blinked once more before shaking himself. "Spare me the teasing, Foaly, I am not Artemis. Have we located Koboi's exact whereabouts?"

Holly shook her head. "No, but we'd find it easily if this shuttle has sensors."

"Which I am guessing it doesn't?"

"I doubt it," the elf looked at Foaly. "Alright, centaur, your time to shine. Invent some sensors."

The centaur whinnied. "_Invent some sensors? _What am I going to do, scrap the shuttle? With what exactly do I _invent some sensors?_ Am I ever going to be appreciated?"

"Scrap the shuttle," said Taurus simply. "You know, Foaly, I think I'm just one task away from proving that Artemis is smarter than you."

Foaly scowled. "Don't refer to Artemis in third person like that, it's creepy."

"Ah, I see. Well, you do have a point there, seeing as I am part of Artemis and I am physically him—"

"If all males are this stupid," cut in Holly. "I wouldn't mind it when the world ends."

**••**

**Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland.**

**2:30 a.m. Two Weeks Previously.**

Artemis Fowl was not the type of person to fall off the bed in his sleep.

_Thump._

But then again, always a first time.

Artemis sat up groggily against the bedpost, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He swallowed in a yawn. Reaching for the bedside tabletop, he flicked on the lampshade. That was all he was going to do. He knew something was most certainly wrong if he wasn't bothered to simply climb into bed again.

His communicator beeped.

Artemis's first guess was an obvious one. Foaly had been watching through a bug camera somewhere and was calling to make a big deal of it. So, when Artemis did pick up the device, it was with bitter reluctance. That pony was annoying.

He frowned. Perhaps he had been wrong about Foaly, or perhaps this really was Foaly on the other end of the line. What he'd received was a text message from Holly's number.

_Hi Arty._

She obviously wasn't aware of the time above ground.

_Captain, are you aware of the time above ground?_

Typing from the other end.

_It's night?_

Artemis scowled. It was definitely Foaly, seeing as there was no way Holly could have known he was awake.

_As a matter of fact, it's two in the morning._

Typing from the other end.

A most unexpected message.

_Are you in your red boxers?_

Artemis was taken aback, but he recovered fast.

_I beg your pardon?_

A heart-shaped emoji from the other end.

_Or do you happen to own another colour? Green? Grey? Black? I like black!_

Artemis's expression went blank. No, it wasn't her. That was downright impossible.

_Foaly, I know it's you._

Typing.

_Ok Mud Boy, you got me. Just saw you fall off the bed. Does that happen a lot? Because I could make a fortune if I post that on the Fairy Web._

Artemis rolled his eyes.

_I have no time for this. I am feeling nauseous and I'd rather go back to sleep._

_Hey, you're ruining my afternoon fun!_

_Spare me your "afternoon fun". And please return Holly's communicator before_

He didn't get the chance to finish the sentence. His typing was fast, even if he wasn't fully awake yet, but it was an entirely different story if he suddenly lost consciousness altogether.

He was in for a bigger headache.

•••

Artemis grunted, rubbing a painfully swollen spot on his left shoulder. He'd experienced some kind of strange feeling when the blackout had some, and he could tell he wasn't in his room anymore.

As Butler had told him, look around you and mark possible threats.

_Perhaps I was drugged beforehand,_ he reasoned. _And now my captors have executed their plan. How did I not see this coming? _

Everything around him was dark. He sat against something cold and hard—steel, perhaps—but his hands weren't tied and he found he could move. The swelling on his shoulder blade was simply because it had hit the steel wall.

_Some kind of confinement._

Artemis had almost begun to analyze much more about the confinement when a flickering tube light in the distance caught his attention.

_In the distance? No, perhaps the ceiling is high and tilted. _

A face appeared in front of him.

"Ah!" exclaimed Artemis, staggering back against the wall in complete shock.

"Aaaaahh!" shouted his captor, staggering back towards the other direction.

The genius blinked. Now that was...downright odd. This was not the captor, possibly someone working under him.

"Who are you?" demanded Artemis. He hadn't seen the face, but at least he'd managed to make out blue eyes. It assured him ever so slightly that it wasn't completely dark.

"M-Me?" stammered the stranger. "Er...right. Sorry. Just didn't expect you to show up like that." He pointed at Artemis. "Oh my gosh, man, get some clothes on. It's scary how thin you are. I thought you were, like, a vampire. Like Buffy. I mean, like, _I'm _Buffy, and you're a vampire, and I have to slay you—"

"Excuse me," snapped Artemis. "I don't know who abducted me, but you lot should have had the decency to leave my clothes alone."

The stranger sighed. "Sorry, man, that's how the mind works. Like, you know, time travel. If you come in here, you're only allowed one piece of clothing. If not, something will happen and you'll get a headache."

"What?" Artemis creased his brow. "_The mind? _And _I _will get a headache?"

The stranger leaned in forward and made his face visible. One look was enough to tell Artemis everything he needed to know.

Blue eyes, pale skin, dark hair and _his _face.

"You're Orion."

The other boy clicked his tongue. "I'm not that loser. I've got _way _better pick-up lines too." He outstretched a hand. "My name is Aquarius. Aqua Fowl."

Artemis simply shook the hand. "I'm assuming you are a part of me as well? Is the Complex back?"

Aqua grinned. "Oh, it's better than the Complex, Arty. We can't tell you just yet."

"_Better _than the Complex?"

Something shook him.

"_We? _Who's _We?_"

Aqua stood, spreading his arms wide dramatically. "Alternate personalities!"

And, as if on cue, more lights flickered on.

They were in a lobby, just like the one at Fowl Manor, but with a few...alterations. The classic white sofas were dirtier than the last time the twins had been there. On the opposite wall, a massive TV screen was switched off, right above something that looked like a monitoring room's control panel. There were more taped posters on the walls than artistic oil paints and the walls themselves were utterly different. The one he leaned against was steel, the other three wore normal white coatings. Well, one of those walls wasn't white anymore, seeing as a lot of different things were either drawn or pasted there.

Artemis stood slowly.

Aqua, and it was now clear that he was wearing a Tshirt and a pair of jeans, gave the wall a proud look. "That's where we let go of ourselves. You know, go crazy, have some fun...but it doesn't happen a lot."

Artemis wordlessly crossed the room and stood facing the wall. He could make out only a few of the written things on it while the pictures were rather clear. Particularly noticeable was a large square in which twelve names were written, six on either side. Obviously by the looks of it, signed by different people. Aqua' was fourth, scribbled messily but readable. Orion's name was in gold block letters. Another, _Taurus, _was visibly the neatest while _Saggittarius _was barely visible and confined to a corner, away from the others and written in grey.

These were the alternate personalities.

"Where are the others?" asked Artemis.

Aqua shrugged. "I don't know, man, but I'm sure you wouldn't like meeting _all _of them."

Artemis frowned. "Why not?"

"Cuz," Aqua pouted. "We are all you, but we're just parts of you. We have, like, one character trait each. That's what Taurus tells us." He outstretched a finger towards the lobby's entrance. "That should be them right now. Bet ya someone's gonna be carrying Virgo."

And, as if on cue again, ten Artemis look-alikes entered the room at that moment.

The genius could do nothing but stare for once in his life, utterly baffled and dumbfounded. They were not all dressed the same, but they were _him._ Everyone had blue eyes, everyone had black hair and pale skin.

Except for one.

"Ah, good morning, my boorish count!" greeted Orion cheerily. "It seems you are finally here!" Artemis didn't even hear him, or even notice what he was wearing. The familiar one had mismatched eyes. One of Holly's, one of his. Somehow, Orion was the only alter who looked any different.

Orion was in ridiculously exaggerated medieval getup. Bronze shoulder pads with an armored chest plate and leather strips tied tightly around his arms. Not to mention a silver sword that hung from a belt on his waist.

"Oh, boorish count, you might want to put on some clothes."

Artemis scowled. "I'd rather stay like this than borrow yours."

Orion turned his nose up. "Huh. Funny, because the fair maiden would find me very handsome in these." He drew out his sword and directed it at the floor. "Brave knights, introduce yourselves!"

An alter in a suit similar to Artemis's stepped forward and gave Orion an incredulous look. "There was no need for that." He turned to Artemis. "I am Taurus, your prominent personality. Intelligence and planning. Thinking. Anything to do with that quater."

Artemis nodded. "That's perfectly understandable. Aqua?"

"Your teenage side," replied Aqua. "Oh yeah, you've got one of those. I'm not that prominent though. You rarely feel like being me."

Orion shook his head. "Quit your complaining, knight!"

Another alter stepped forward, this one in riding gear. Well, riding gear that hadn't seen polish or water in weeks. "I'm Leo," he waved. "Your awesome side. The fun guy. Orion's court jester. All that." He held up a palm. "Hi five? Do I have to ask?"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "_Fun _side? More like naïve and uninformed. I am no one's court jester."

Leo made a face. "Come on, let's go, buddy," he called to Aqua. "This sucks."

"No," snapped Orion. "_Retreating _is what sucks. Stay where you are."

Leo groaned, hunching his shoulders on purpose, walking to the couch and falling flat on his face on it.

Another alter rubbed his forehead. "Artemis, _Always _give Leo his hi-fives. He lives off them." He outstretched a hand. "Gemini. Your kind side."

"Kind?" asked Artemis. "There's a seperate alter for kindness?"

Gemini smiled. "Well, yes. Of course there is. Kindness, carefulness, gentleness—"

"Enough," interrupted Artemis. "I understand, I get the point."

The alter next to Gemini half-carried another alter. "Er, hi," he said. "I'm...Capricornus. Er, this is Virgo," he gestured shyly at the alter leaned against his shoulder. "He's...um, weak..."

"Alright," said Artemis skeptically. "And your trait is?"

Capricornus forced a smile. "Ah...well, my trait..."

"No self confidence at all," finished another. "I'm Scorpio, your...let's say, insensitive side. This is Libra," he gestured at an alter wearing a casual shirt. "Your stupid side."

Libra scowled. "I'm not stupid, I'm just ignorant!"

"Same thing, get over it," Aqua patted him on the back. "I told you so, Arty. You won't like all of them."

"It's not my fault nobody ever tells me anything!" argued Libra. "All of you are physco weirdos!"

Gemini sighed. "You're not stupid, Libra," he said kindly. "Just...a tad ignorant."

Libra grinned. "See? It's not the same thing!"

Artemis shook his head in utter disbelief. "Alright, who else must I meet?"

"Pisces," Orion gestured at an alter in beach shorts. Artemis winced. "Your...less-than-gentlemanly-side."

Pisces snorted. "Come on, that's a suckish introduction. Just say it out aloud, I wanna see him scream."

Artemis frowned.

"Alright," called Leo from his spot buried in the sofa. "He's a pervert."

Artemis nearly jumped. "_Excuse me?_"

"Just don't let him ever meet the maiden," warned Orion. "She will never speak to us if she gets to speak to him even once."

"Please explain _why _he's even part of me."

"There's nothing to worry about," assured Gemini. "He's your absolute least prominent personality."

Pisces showed two fingers. "Peace."

Artemis made it a point to ignore him. "So, Orion, is there anyone else—?"

"YOLO!" yelled an excited alter. His white shirt had somehow turned permanently brown and his hair was disheveled beyond repair. He cheerfully shoved his hands into his pockets and smiled in a way that exposed every tooth. "Hai, Artemis-san."

"Oh," muttered Orion. "That's...Aries. He's your...weird side."

"Hai," Aries bowed his head. "Wareware wa subete no bakadesu."

"I see," Artemis tried not to look mortified. "Does he speak Japanese all the time?"

"Baka," said Aries stubbornly. "I just said that we're all idiots. I'm not particularly weird. But in Libra's case, kare wa bakadesu."

Artemis rubbed his forehead. "Aren't there supposed to be twelve of you? Not that I'm keen on meeting anyone else."

Orion frowned. "Twelve? No, not twelve. Who said anything about twelve alters?"

It struck him faster than immediately that Orion was actually lying. "There are twelve, Orion, I know that." Artemis glared at him. "Who is Sagittarius? I saw the wall."

"Trust me," Orion placed a hand on his shoulder. "Forget Sagittarius."

"Really?" Artemis wasn't ready to lose the argument. "Someway, somehow, I am confined in my own head once again, surrounded by eleven alternate idiots and

I haven't even received an explanation as to why I'm here. I can see that none of you know the answer, so the least you could do is tell me everything I want to know."

"Forget Sagittarius," repeated Orion, a stern edge in his voice. "You'll regret it if you don't."

"Would you mind telling me why?"

"_Forget_ him," said Orion again, this time looking Artemis directly in the eyes. One pair mismatched, one pair blue. Somehow, despite the situation, Artemis felt something akin to envy at the colours in them. They reminded him too much of Holly.

_You're being ridiculous,_ scolded a voice in his head. _Why should you care about his eyes? You know her better than he does._

Somehow, he felt uncomfortable that he'd actually just thought that.

Jealously was not for a Fowl.

"Alright, Orion," Artemis shook himself. "I'll forget the twelfth alter. Just tell me how I can leave."

"You can't," Orion shrugged. "Well, not yet anyway. Taurus, brave knight, explain."

Taurus didn't even bother objecting. "We aren't planning on telling you the reason, Artemis, but from this point on, there will be twenty-four hour time limitations. Aqua will take over for today."

Artemis almost felt like laughing. "I can't believe this."

"Once his limit is surpassed, anyone of us can take over, you included. It will be twenty four hours before Aqua can take over again, but it's best kept simple. Each one of us has to get at least one chance before you can be back in your body permanently."

"You aren't telling me the reason," by now, Artemis knew when he wasn't going to get answers. "Let's pretend I am perfectly at ease with this. But there are some rules I want you to keep in mind."

Orion grinned. "Rule number three is hands off the Princess."

Artemis was long past being surprised. "How pleasant, you know what I'm thinking."

"Just me, really. After the Atlantis Complex, I found that we shared some kind of bold telepathic link."

"Fine. Keep away from Holly because she vehemently disliked Orion and I would like my reputation intact by the time this is over. Rule one; don't tell Mother or Father anything. They tend to worry too much. Rule two; don't touch a single piece of equipment in my study."

"That's all?" asked Aqua.

"Subete no kotodesu?" asked Aries.

Artemis sincerely hoped that the next eleven days would not turn out to be the worst of his life.

••••

**Author's Note; There you go! This will get crazier, no worries—and it's not gonna get updated unless you review, follow and let me know you're reading. YAYA!e; .**


	2. Chapter 2: Aqua

Author's Note; Keep in mind that this is Post-Last Guardian

•••

Aqua woke up with a smile. Well, he thought he was smiling. He was, after all, physically existing for the very first time.

He looked down at his toes and wriggled them. Well, Artemis's toes. Same thing. Finding something oddly fascinating about the toes (which wasn't that one foot had an extra), he reached for them with a hand.

He then found something fascinating about his fingers.

Not knowing what else to do, he started wriggling his fingers.

Aqua cautiously fingered the bedsheet over him. Snow White, soft and definitely cotton. Not that he hadn't seen a sheet before. He'd even used a sheet before. But this was a new body plus a new sheet.

"Woah," whispered Aqua. "Twenty four hours is a long time."

Wait a second.

"I'm wasting time!" exclaimed Aqua, startled, immediately jumping out of bed. He shivered when his feet touched the rug, taking a moment to enjoy the feel of the soft fibers against his heels, but snapped out of it just as quickly.

"Oh my gosh, I can't think," he breathed. "Why am I talking to myself?"

Aqua somehow managed to remember something Taurus had said. Oh yeah, Taurus the smarty-pants. _Once you're in charge, we'll be in your head. It'll be difficult to process thoughts._

"Oh," Aqua scratched his head. "Ok, now what am I going to do? Like, it won't work too well if I spoke every word I thought. Man, this has a big catch."

There was one thing to do before anything else.

A shower.

Aqua found Artemis's toothbrush.

"Well, it's still the same body," he reasoned. "I can use the toothbrush."

He spent the next half an hour playing with Beckett's rubber duck which he found in the bathroom for some reason.

Now for breakfast.

•—

Aqua strolled down the stairs casually, his hands inside the pockets of the jeans. He was appalled that Artemis owned only one pair. What a terrible taste that guy had.

He saw Angeline reading the morning news on the sofa, and froze.

His mother looked up at him and smiled. "Morning, Arty. You might want to have breakfast quick, and you're already late. There's a surprise—"

"Oh no," said Aqua under his breath. "She'll find out something's wrong."

He had two options—talk to her and sound like Artemis, or just run somewhere else real fast.

"Er...hi, mom," he managed. "Sorry, I meant Mother. Is there anything I can get you?"

Angeline shot him a weird look. "Arty dear, are you feeling alright?"

He then made the split second decision to run somewhere else real fast.

Angeline stared after him for half a minute, blinked, shrugged her shoulders and went back to reading. Doubtless, Artemis being confined into his head and replaced by an alternative personality didn't even start to cross her mind.

Once out of her line of sight, inside the dining room, Aqua was met with another challenge.

"Hi, Arty!" Beckett waved at him cheerily from the far end of the table. His blonde locks were sticky with pieces of scrambled egg in them. Beside him, Myles looked a lot more dignified, except for a big of mashed potato smeared down the front of his shirt, also probably courtesy of Beckett.

"Good morning, Artemis," he greeted, not bothering to explain what the mashed potato was doing on his shirt.

Aqua forced a weak smile. "Good morning to you too, guys—I mean," he silently cursed himself. "Myles and Beckett."

On the up-util-then empty spot beside Myles, someone suddenly appeared seemingly out of thin air.

Aqua jumped.

"Good morning to you too, Mud Boy," greeted one Holly Short, arms crossed casually. "I was here since seven. You made me wait two hours."

Unfortunately for him, and Artemis himself, Aqua's personality made it difficult to keep to rule number three.

_Keep away from Holly._

Man, she was _gorgeous. _What did Artemis expect him to do? It wasn't as if _he _didn't like her anyway, so maybe whatever Aqua said and did now wouldn't make any difference...

The elf scowled. "Hey, Fowl, I didn't visit just so you could stand there and wonder why I visited."

Aqua shook himself out of it. Still needed to get those thoughts under control. It just wouldn't work if Holly heard everything he didn't want her to hear.

_Aqua, I swear I am about to break this mind screen in half!_

That sounded like a very frustrated Artemis.

"Eh, Holly," began Aqua. "What brings you here?"

Holly crossed her arms, leaning back in her chair. "You sound ill, Mud Boy." She suddenly pushed it back and stood. "Come on, this is important. I need to talk to you in private."

Aquarius could only stand and stare as Holly walked over to him, grabbed him by the arm and led him out of the room, all the time with same impassive look on her face.

She gave Angeline a tight-lipped smile as they passed the lobby and finally turned round a wall at the front entrance.

Holly let go of his arm. "One chance, Fowl, confess that this is a D'Arvitting joke."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," admitted Aqua. "And...Er, I'm not Artemis."

The elf's frown became a look of confusion. "What?"

The alter raised his palms defensively. "I'm not. Look, something happened, something _really _important, and I can't tell you that. But I'm, like, an alternate personality...you know, like Orion? Well, a lot less annoying than Orion, but I'm...like that..."

Holly's expression turned disbelieving. "_Please _tell me that was a joke."

Aqua didn't reply.

She groaned, rubbing her temples tiredly. "Okay. Alright," she took in a deep breath. "Listen, Artemis—whoever you are. I'm not in the mood to be toyed with. You get one chance right now to convince the LEP that you did it." She pulled out what looked like a voice recorder from her belt. "Tell them now."

"I-I did what, Holly?" he managed. "'Cuz I have no clue. Arty doesn't either and I have his memories."

Holly suddenly seemed to decide she was going to trust him.

She clipped the gadget back on her belt and looked back up at him.

"You're not Orion?"

Aqua sighed, relieved. "I'm Aquarius Fowl. I hate Orion."

_Now that was completely unnecessary! _complained Orion inside his head. _You'll upset the Princess!_

Holly grinned. "The feeling his mutual."

_Oh, buuuuurn! _he heard Leo say, followed with a sound that could only be punching Orion in the heavy broze shoulderplates.

"Okay, one thing first," started Aqua, taking his chance to speak. "You can't tell Mom or Dad or anybody in this house that I'm not Arty."

The elf folded her arms. "So you and Orion are his...alter egos?"

"There are eleven of us," he admitted. "And, um...you won't see Artemis for a while 'cuz of that."

"What?" snapped Holly. "Look, I don't know what your deal is, but we _need _Artemis now and I have no time for bivouacs. Can he even hear me now?"

"Bivouacs are lame!" whined Aqua. "And you've got a really bad temper, babe."

"Opal D'Arvit Koboi is on the loose and you say I have a—" she suddenly realized something, and stopped midsentence. "What did you call me?"

"_Opal?" _screamed Aqua at once. "_OPAL?!"_

"Who the heck are you calling _babe?!"_

_"OPAL?!"_

_"Yes, Opal!"_

_"OPAL IS DEAD!"_

_"Apparently not!"_

_"BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!"_

_"Because we got a video and thought you faked it!"_

_"BUT OPAL IS STILL DEAD!"_

_"We don't know that!"_

_"THE VIDEO WAS PROBABLY FAKE ANYWAY!"_

_"STOP SHOUTING, AQUARIUS!"_

_"OKAY!"_

_"GOOD!"_

_"JUST SO YOU KNO—"_

"What's going on here?" demanded the stern voice of Angeline Fowl, cutting through their argument sharply.

Both elf and alter ego zipped their mouths shut.

"Er, Mom," began Aqua apologetically. "We were just...you know, one of those _really_ rare arguments—"

Holly raised an eyebrow, incredibly unconvinced.

Inside his own head, Artemis palmed his face.

—•••

**Author's Notes; YES, TORTURING ARTY IS FUN!**

**I need to know how many people are reading this rewrite, so please give me reviews and follow. Like I've said so many times before, this will include all the snazzy stuff you loved about the previous version, written better. As for those of you who are concerned about the perverted alter, don't worry. This will maintain the K+ rating!**

**Extra—Check out my other Artemis Fowl fanfic stuff if you liked this one! Also, await a hilarious AF/Percy Jackson/Harry Potter crossover chatroom fic—IT. IS. EPIC. And educational :) They set Leonardo Da Vinchi's house on fire by accident. They also team up and force themselves to stand each other so that they can save the world from Kronos and Opal. Experience magic mirrors, sea sickness, royal bathrooms and time travel like never before! COMING SOON! Follow me or just let me know in your comments, I'll message you when it's out. Don't forget to comment. Love ya XD**


	3. Chapter 3: Mortal Humiliation

**Author's Note; Thank you so much for your reviews, follows and favourites. Rewarding your patience, I am finally updating this fic! :) The story is going to take on a few new twists inspired by the legendary AF fanfics, The Book Of Ages by GMontag (did I get the name right?) and Agi Vega's The Aztec Incident because I admire them so much. But don't worry, it's still basically the same story as before. Just improved a whole lot.**

**On with it!**

Outside of Police Plaza, Haven City. 5:30 PM, same day.

Holly took in a deep, nervous breath before parking the state-of-the-art broken shuttle in an equally state-of-the-art dilapidated parking space. She jammed the brakes, breathed quietly while the engines powered down and turned to the human in the passenger seat.

"Don't touch that," snapped Holly, before he could reach for the emergency air bag switch.

Aqua withdrew his hand immediately.

"Ok, look," the elf rubbed her forehead. "I know Arty is somewhere in there, but this piece of advice is for you. When you step out of this shuttle, you're in Fairy territory. Fairies aren't very tolerant when it comes to intruders. But you are, or at least you're supposed to be Artemis Fowl (even though you're in jeans), so you've got only a bit to worry about unless you do something really stupid."

Aqua nodded.

"And by that I mean you've got maintain the act as Fowl. Foaly is the only one who can know who you really are, and in case we have to bring Koboi's case to the Council before Mudboy wakes up, you've still got to keep talking like Artemis."

Aqua pretended to think about it. "Yeah, but completely unrelated..."

"I have no time to answer that."

"Quick question. Just how many nicknames do you have for him?"

Holly chose to ignore the question, instead flicking the switch to open both doors and immediately stepping out of hers. Aqua was left with no choice but to follow suit.

Outside the public parking lot, the air-conditioned depths of Haven City were brimming with fairies and crowd control officers causing a touch of serious sound pollution. Vehicles on the packed streets honked at miffed protesters while traffic wardens dove for cover into fast food outlets, soon emerging from them with angry waiters at their tails.

Holly's only reaction was to palm her face. "Of all the days..."

Aqua shoved his hands into his pockets. "What's the protest about?"

"I don't know," the elf looked to her left and right like a child waiting to cross the road. "But must be serious if there are that many people. Come on, the subway. I can access it."

The Alter scratched his head. "Woah, wait. A subway in an underground city? What do you people think of?"

Holly pulled him out of the way before a giant signboard rammed into the pavement.

"Talk less, run more. How hard is that?"

—••—

By the time Holly and Aqua reached the building, a certain centaur had already started stacking tin foil hats on his head. Upon an impatient rap on the door, Foaly immediately stopped what he was doing, knocking down a few hats in the process before slamming the allow access button.

"By Frond, Holly, what took you so long?" He asked the moment she walked in. "And Artemis. We're sorry. It wasn't you, it was really her."

Aqua shrugged. "You make your wife sound scary."

"He's not talking about his wife," snapped Holly. "You're back in your tin foil phase, Foaly. Is it really Opal?"

The centaur groaned, balancing the stack on his head. The hats weren't a perfect over each other. "Word got out, okay? Everyone knows Opal's back. That's what the protest is about. People are saying they pay taxes for nothing and the LEP wastes that money." He gestured towards the door of his booth. "Come on, I'll show you. This bit of footage is difficult to ignore."

Foaly didn't bother with pleasantries. He sealed the doors once they were in, hit a button and got the footage after five centaurian passwords.

The first two seconds were enough to earn a gasp from Holly.

Someone was in chains. And not healthy looking chains either. Rusted, splattered in blood. The camera was quick to reveal the victim's face.

A Senior elf with semi-white hair and wrinkles, wearing a dark green uniform upto his neck. LEP. His face was left relatively untouched although the gashes started at his left shoulder, and he stared ahead at a blank wall with an unwilling scowl on his face.

The blank wall slid aside to reveal a diminutive figure in black.

"Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you," spat the old elf. "And as far as I'm concerned, I don't want to be a part of your hundredth failure, Koboi."

The pixie approached him slowly. She had a look of amusement plastered across her face, and that was clear even in the dark background.

"Ah, but you don't know the half of it," Opal replied, in a voice as clear as her own. "This is a plan founded on co-operation. All I need is one answer and you go back home with no memory of this."

"And what if I don't tell you?" The elf shot back. "You'll kill me, is that it? Well, sacrifices have to be made. Go ahead."

Opal wagged a pristine finger. "Come on, Major. How will this affect you? You're from the Council. You have been against Fowl from day one."

"Not me," snapped the Major. "A Mud Man who interferes is better than a fairy who disgraces her race."

Opal's playful look dissolved into a frown. She leaned in closer to get her point across clearly. "Major, you will tell me how they brought Fowl back, or the last thing you'll ever see will be those chains."

The elf grinned. "Do your worst."

And that was when something loud from the ceiling came crashing onto the elf in chains.

A long stretch of uneasy silence followed, Foaly's hyperventilated breathing being the only background noise.

Aqua said something that shattered it. "How do you know it's real?"

Holly closed her eyes, trying to believe what she'd just seen. "Because, Aqua, Major Tungsten was the only LEP officer apart from Trouble to be a part of the Council, a fairy who held an important rank, and he turned up dead in that warehouse last week. He went in after a distress signal from a young elf caught in a Goblin firefight, and when Foaly's team investigated the reason for his death—well, a blow on the head. A big one, and it wasn't a fireball."

"The video's date and time settings are exactly in accordance with the event," added Foaly. "And we did find the chains on-site. Did a test and everything this morning and the results just got back. We're positive it was him."

Aqua frowned. "Yeah, looks like you're right."

Foaly raised an eyebrow. "Let me get one thing straight, Artemis. Yeah, looks like you're right? Looks like you're right? What in Frond's name is the matter with you? You had no snazzy remarks when you saw me, you had nothing to say about the tin foil, you came in here following Holly like you've never visited before and you asked only one reasonable question so far. Are you losing your touch or is this just another human stage?"

"Another Artemis stage," chuckled Aqua, soon before noticing the piercing look Holly was giving him.

Foaly dropped his head into his hands and groaned out loud. "Please tell me what that means."

"He's like Orion," said Holly directly. "Only slightly less annoying and more on the...teenage side."

Foaly raised his head and rolled his eyes. "And pray tell me what that means."

"I'm another alter ego," offered Aqua. "I'm Aquarius Jackson Everdeen Potter Fowl, but you can just call me Aqua."

The centaur snorted. "If Artemis ever hears that, he'll lock himself up in the highest room of the tallest tower in Asgard. What?"

"Aquarius Jacks—"

"No I meant why are you here? The Complex is done. Cured. There's nothing that could've triggered it again so soon."

"It's not the Complex," Aqua grinned for seemingly no apparent reason. "It's much more awesome than that, but we can't tell you because Artemis can't know. Not yet."

"So Artemis can hear. Bet he's all prepared for that tower—" Foaly stopped. "Who's we?"

"Twelve alter egos, Orion included," supplied Holly. "And we'll have to deal with this one for twenty four hours till we can talk to Artemis again. Artemis will stick around for twenty four hours before the next alter pops up."

"I wonder when Prince Orion's turn is," snorted Foaly. "You know how absolutely convenient and brilliant this is? Just when we need Fowl the most. Isn't he a wonderful friend."

"Not really his fault," defended Aqua. "And I can totally cover up for him, like the suit-wearing and everything. No one will guess."

"Good," Foaly's voice was honeyed with sarcasm. "Because the three of us, subsidiary of the "save the world" clique, have to face the Council right now with an explanation as to why she's here and what she may be after."

•

A minute later, Holly was having the second most embarassing moment of her life (Hamburg would unfortunately be on top of the list forever) because of a certain alter ego's inability to get into a suit.

"For–Frond's-sake, Mudboy! Put on the Fronddamn buttons!"

Aqua gave her an innocent look. "But there are so many of them."

"I don't care!" snapped Holly. "Put them on! One by one and fast!"

Aqua fiddled with one button and managed to do it right.

"Alright," said the elf with barely contained impatience. "The next."

The Alter smiled sheepishly. "It's uh...broken."

"Foaly!" yelled Holly to the centaur outside the door. "Why are the buttons loose on your D'Arvitting shirt?"

She heard Foaly laugh. "Still looking at the a Mudboy's abs, Holly?"

"Ugh!" Holly ignored the deep scarlet colour that came to her face at once. "Alright, Aqua, forget that one. What about the rest of the buttons?"

Aqua blushed. "Um, you see, I can kind of do it myself—"

"Good, I'm out of here."

"I still need you! Er, for the tie. I can't put a knot on the tie. And um, well, shoelaces and the...the collar on this shirt. I...uh, well...don't deal with belts either..."

Foaly's laughter was louder than before. "I heard that!"

"I can't help you wear a stupid belt, Aqua," Holly scowled. "Stop whining about the tie. You aren't even done with the shirt yet."

Deciding that the look on her face was dangerous, Aqua hurriedly wore every unbroken button on the shirt and readily waited for the next piece of clothing.

The colour on Holly's face faded slightly, and she didn't look nearly as annoyed anymore. "Good. Now put on that bespoke."

The Alter did as he was told, albeit with a little struggling.

"Trousers."

"What?" Foaly called from outside. "He was in his boxers all this time?"

"Shut up, centaur!"

"Okay, okay. I just find this funny, even if I don't like the Alter. Are they red boxers?"

"Actually they're—"

_"Aqua."_

"Er, right."

Foaly didn't hear anything for a while, probably while Aqua slipped into the Armani trousers, but momentarily heard the conversation flare up again.

"Could you pull the belt from—"

"No!"

"Gee, it's not like I could do it myself."

"You can't do anything yourself."

"Just this once!"

"Shut up and let me see it."

"Oh, thanks."

Holly's complexion was one equivalent to Commander Root's as she pulled the leather belt around his waist and clipped it together where it met. She briefly wondered how Artemis's embarrassment of watching the whole thing would compare to hers. They probably both involved a lot of internal screaming.

"Not a word," growled Holly when she saw Aqua open his mouth. "Hand me those shoes."

As the elf kneeled down to tie his shoelaces, she was fortunate enough to miss the almost dreamy look that crossed Aqua's features.

_She'd really do anything for me, wouldn't she?_

_YOU WILL BE ANNIHILATED ONCE YOUR TIME LIMIT IS OVER, yelled what sounded like Artemis. AND THAT IS A PROMISE I WILL SEE TO PERSONALLY!_

_Aw, come on. Your kits are hard to wear, I asked for some help._

_YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HOLLY THINKS OF ME NOW, DO YOU?! SHE IS MY CLOSEST FRIEND, AQUA, AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK HER STRAIGHT IN THE FACE EVER AGAIN!_

_You should try it sometime._

_YOU PERVERTED—_

"Done," said Holly, getting to her feet. "And as for a tie, Foaly can't use his 'I'm a quadruped' excuse when you ask him this time."

"I'm a quadruped!" called Foaly from outside. "Quadrupeds don't wear ties."

Holly squinted at nothing in particular, but it was obviously aimed at Foaly. "You're wearing one right now!"

"Caballine tied it," lied Foaly.

The elf sighed, giving up way too easily but not so considering the last few minutes. "Give me that, Fowl."

Aqua grinned. "Thanks ba—Er, Holly."

Holly glared at him with flaming eyes. "That's Commander to you."

•

"How thoroughly unfair!" protested Orion. "The maiden should be dressing me, not that insufferable bore! Mine should've been the first shirt she dressed, oh how unfair the circumstances can be! When I next meet my new foe, he will be humiliated in an epic duel for the maiden's heart!"

Taurus sighed. "Poetic, aren't you?"

"Orion is right," argued Pisces. "Except for it being him. Holly would've found it much more fun to dress me—"

"Holly would've killed you the moment you laid your filthy hands on her shoulders!" objected Orion. "It is your personality to be a perverted—"

"All of you are perverted," snapped Artemis from his place at the Mind Screen. "Holly should have never had to go through that. With Aquarius or any of you. I have already established that my relationship with the Captain is based entirely on mutual trust and friendship, and she should therefore be of no interest to my alternate personalities."

"As if you'd pass up the chance," said Scorpio brazenly. "You know, even if I'm your brutally honest, insensitive side, it's more than obvious why you want us to stay away from her. You're afraid we'd do something that'd break your...shall we say, progress. Because Holly will stay mad at you and you'll never get the chance for another kiss like that one you enjoyed so much in Rathdown Park, huh? That's the obvious thing you and every alter share in common. We're all so obsessed with Captain Short."

Artemis scowled deeply. "I am not, as you say, obsessed with anything, Scorpius. And do you honestly think I try so hard for a stupid kiss? What do you take me for? I am a genius and I couldn't care less about anything more than my own dignity right now. The very reason I require every one of you idiots to stop interfering."

"Interfering in your unrequited love for the Captain, that is."

"Scorpius, we have a Koboi situation on our hands!" Artemis rubbed his forehead. "And I need to be thinking, facing the Council out there right now. I would appreciate a suggestion to accomplish that rather than anything else."

Gemini placed a hand on his shoulder. "Scorpius does that to everyone, Artemis, calm down."

Artemis looked at him with the corner of one eye. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"That every Alter is...in love with Holly?"

His kind personality sighed and managed a smile. "We all love her, yes, but that's because you do too. We know how you feel."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "And what if I don't?"

Gemini chuckled. "Then we wouldn't love her, would we?"

"You're probably mistaken for the reason. There are a considerable amount of likes and dislikes among us, most prominently the fact that Pisces likes Beyoncé, Orion likes costumes and get-up, Aries likes Japanese animation and Aqua likes jeans. A few things I have never considered likeable in my entire life."

"That probably doesn't apply to people, Artemis."

"Beyoncé counts as a person, doesn't she now?"

Gemini paused for a while, contemplating what he'd just said. "You have a rather good point there. Maybe it's different to people you know. I mean, everyone feels the same about Butler, your mother, your councellors—"

"Ah, but Aqua finds Foaly boring and Orion likes the councellors."

The Alter was quiet.

"You see, Gemini, that's what happens when you put forward a conclusion without a controlled experiment," Artemis grinned. "Francis Bacon's theory. There is the observation first, then identifying the problem followed by formulating hypotheses. These have to be tested if you want to be taken seriously, and tested in two parts. One, an experiment. Two, a control experiment with all the factors of the first experiment except for the variable one under investigation. That's what Scorpius didn't do. He didn't think further about how we definitely have a very different range of likes and dislikes, even with people. The next step is to arrive at a conclusion, which he did."

"As much of a point as that is—"

"Scorpius failed in more than just that. He didn't observe properly, because then he would've noticed that one Alter in particular is not infatuated with Captain Short."

Gemini looked at him questioningly.

"Taurus, my most prominent personality. He is always explaining things, always assessing ideas, sketching engineering drafts or busy with some kind of calculation. Never has he brought up the topic of Holly or partaken in a conversation. He treats the mention of her name the same way I do; as though he hears it everyday."

"Well...actually, you're right."

"I think I'll settle for an intelligent conversation with him now, if you don't mind. See what he thinks of Opal's apparent return."

•

**Author's note; "Arty will go lock himself up in the highest room of the tallest tower in Asgard! This is SPAAAARTA! FANDOMS!.**

**There goes my professionalism, shattered.**

**QOTD;**

**On a scale of one to ten, tell me how you'd rate the dress-up scene.**


End file.
